The Worthiness Loop

I wanted to write this honestly, not perfectly.

Two different chapters of my life looked unrelated from the outside, but both left me with the same feeling: I still have to prove I am worthy enough.

1) The Situationship In College

In second year, a girl approached me first.

At that time, I was immature in this area. I did not even know how to talk to a girl properly, so I talked in a very casual, "bro-like" way. We dropped the dating idea then. Later she dated someone else, and after their breakup, we started talking again.

This time I was more mature, but also more scattered.

My goals were big, and nothing was aligning. I was working hard, but results were not matching my effort. I was failing interviews, feeling frustrated, and mentally overloaded. In that phase, I did not feel ready to take emotional responsibility for someone.

Then we went on a trip, and things became more than normal friendship. We were not physical, but the boundaries were not "just friends" either. She shared a lot of personal things with me, and we became emotionally close.

On that trip, she said she normally likes me. I said I kinda like her too.

That was the situationship.

No clear label, no clear direction, and a lot of unspoken expectations.

Even now I am not fully sure about us, and I feel stopping the conversation might be healthier than dragging confusion.

2) Teenage Trauma And Abandonment-Like Wounds

In my teenage years, I had experiences that made me feel "not enough."

Some people I considered friends made it very clear I was only included when needed.

They told me directly that they put me in the cricket team only because they needed 11 players. They partied near my place and did not invite me.

Not behind my back. On my face.

That hurt.

But that pain also became fuel.

I started pushing myself hard. Physically, mentally, and socially.

I built a better physique. I improved how I spoke and carried myself. I became someone who could take initiative and make plans. Over time, people started treating me like a leader.

So yes, I changed a lot.

But deep down, one thing still follows me sometimes.

The Common Pattern

Whether it was relationships, friendships, career pressure, or interviews, the same thought keeps returning:

"I still need to become worthy enough for everything."

I am learning that growth is important, but self-worth cannot always be tied to outcomes.

You can improve yourself without hating your current version.

You can be ambitious without feeling permanently behind.

And you can be healing even when you are not fully healed.

This is where I am right now.

Still building. Still learning. Still unlearning.

~ Priyanshu